dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
You should frame my arrest warrant.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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