She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize