The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Randomize
