If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Randomize
