a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
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