That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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