just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
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