At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
