I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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