Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
