I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
