I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
He shit in the fireplace
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
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