you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Randomize
