when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
