Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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