Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
