Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
