So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
You are a genius and a whore.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
