they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
