Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
And my parents said I crawled through the house
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
