the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
Randomize
