Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
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