He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
