Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize