I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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