When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
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