i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
