No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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