We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
But he was like 75 and lives right near mom and dad. Not a threat at all.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you donโt have to recycle anymore ๐๐
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