Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
