Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
