the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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