Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
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