i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Randomize
