The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Randomize
