shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
How external is "for external use only"?
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize
