Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
