Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize
