____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I met the friendliest cop last night
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Randomize
