you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
is that a dick in a sweater?
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
