community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
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