if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
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