I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
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