belinda wants 2 know wr u got ur butt pads
i dont wear butt pads that thang is au naturel
Yeah...right...LMAO
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Randomize
