I cockslap morals
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
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