Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
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