I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
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