CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Randomize
