Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I can't watch pbs sober anymore
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
