It's a beautiful day for a hangover
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
MIDGETS
????
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
