At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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