I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
