Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
We all have our weaknesses that drive us crazy. We happen to have one in common, 21 year olds. Your secrets safe. Touch his penis.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
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