im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
