i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
my sisters under your porch take her home
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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