checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
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