5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Randomize
