Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
COCAINE IS GR8
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Randomize
