I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
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