smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
Randomize
