I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
