is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Randomize
