You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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