I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Randomize
