what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
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