I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
