ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
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