Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
