I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Randomize
