We're like a lot better than the average bears
i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Randomize
