I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Randomize
