and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Randomize
